Finally!

Aaarg, I'm sorry I haven't updated! I want to, really I do.
Turns out, the cleaning of the new apt took way longer than one weekend. It actually took a week and a half. :O That was way longer than what we expected. Add it to school-work, jobs, and extra-curricular activities like me being on the school paper's staff, and you have a very busy me. Not that I mind it. I'm happier than I have been in a while, and would take this over "too much free time" any day.
In any case, I had to put a lot on hold to get those priorities done. This included play time on WoW with my guild's raiding, blog updates, and other similar things. But things have begun to slowly settle. The apt is now looking and smelling livable, I have a desk again, and I can finally focus some time on my free-time activities.
The paper has been doing really well and I've picked up a few very good articles. The most recent one I'm working on will be very exciting for me because my city's local paper attacked my college, claiming that we're headed for a financial crisis. So I'm taking their info, and tons of more info on top of it, to write up a more accurate article about what's really going on. It's going to be awesome. :) I've had lots of interviews on it, including ones with the president of the college and the president of the teacher's union (because the paper also attacked teacher's salaries as well). I'll need to figure out how to post up text docs so those interested can read my stuff.

As promised I have some doodles. Since I have located the box with the scanner, I have been able to start uploading them again. :) Below is a picture of the toilet I mentioned, in the apt, that would have bitten my ass off if I used it before cleaning it. Now that sucker has been bleached and scrubbed squeaky clean! So he's a very happy toilet. :D

Besides all that, I have been having more trouble with my psych teacher every day. She is consistently 10min late for every single class. Now some days she's only 5min late, and other days like today she is 15min late. But no matter what she is always late. To top it off we usually get out early....30min early on some days. So a class that's supposed to be 1.5hrs is actually only 40min on most days. I'm complaining about that, cause I'm not going to pay almost $500 for a class I feel cheated out on. Besides the lateness she speeds through the material. I don't mean simply fast....no I mean super fucking fast....as in I can't write down all the information she throws at us. She also skips lots of slides, so we completely miss that info too.  I even asked her after class one day if she would email me the slides so I could copy the information down. Her response was "Oh I don't give out my slides." Ok, well I'm not sure what's so important about them but I was informed that I could go online and get other slides, with pretty much the same material but it's all presented in a different way. Well...that doesn't help me. I want her slides, the ones she actually shows me in class, so I know for sure I'm reviewing the material she wants me to review.
When I finally got my doctor's documentation to request for extra time on exams (yes!!) the student accommodations office asked if I would like a "notetaker" to come to class with me. This actual person would take notes for me, if I could not. This is usually reserved for someone who physically can't write, but in any case....I declined because I told them the notetaker would have the same problem I'm having, not enough time to get the info.
Here's the funny thing. You'd think speeding through the chapter reviews (which should be detailed reviews on the chapters the students read prior to the class) would make you ahead in material. Nope. She's actually behind in the material. Gee...I wonder if showing up late and letting us out early has anything to do with that...
I mean, if all she wants is for us to do is read the damn book, then what's the point of her lectures? If she speeds through material, refuses to go back to previous slides, doesn't offer the slides for later use, is late to class every day, and seems just plain disinterested in the class learning from her over the book...then why not just tell us to read the book during class instead? In fact, I wouldn't even go to class if she didn't count it as an attendance point! I would just go to the library and read the book during that time, because I get way more out of that than I do from her "lectures".
Don't worry, I plan on complaining either this week or first thing next week...depending on when I can sit down and type out all the shit she does that I think is cheating me out of my education. Until then I've resorted to other methods to help, like recording and stuff. Before that happened, though, I had pretty much given up taking notes in class. So I just showed up to class and then just doodled. Luckily the result is that you get a few fun drawings :)

 

 

 

As another plus, I've finally finished the new header image! :D  I think it's pretty spiffy.

Lots of news! Doodles will come later

So of course, since I didn't post for a week, I have lots of information to give. I will try to keep it reasonable....for your sanity and the fact that I still have lots to get done.

Last week began the insane rush to pack and get ready to move. I went though so much shit to give away, and I really should go through my stuff one more time but I don't want to and have decided I will as I'm unpacking it. Last weekend we had a garage sale to try and make some money off of our crap, and made about $50...which is pretty good since most everything was priced at about $1 or less.

This week we spent all our free time packing. It was stressful, and we still had to attend classes, do homework, and go to work at our jobs. Yesterday was the big move. Hubby's dad came with a truck and another good friend came over to help. We had everything packed and unpacked by noon.

I'm going to back up a bit and explain our situation before moving on. Hubby and I were originally living with Hubby's best friend, in his house. He was kind enough to let us stay with him because we'd just moved back to the States from New Zealand, and thus had no jobs. We all lived together for about 2yrs, until recently (a few months back) when he asked if we would look elsewhere for a place to live because he wanted to take the relationship with his girlfriend to the "next level" and have her move in with him.

So fast-forward to about a month ago. We realized that even though we managed to find jobs recently they are only part-time and thus do not provide even close to enough income for us to find a place on our own. Luckily, Hubby's parents are very smart and kind. They proposed a wonderful idea for us to move in with Hubby's brother (who I shall call BIL, Brother-in-Law, for the sake of being lazy again). Unfortunately, BIL's apt does not allow cats, so I have to temporarily part with my "babies" and have them live with my in-laws, while we live on the other side of the city with BIL.

To be honest, it is a much better situation than when we lived in New Zealand, because our cats couldn't come with us at all then, and thus I was separated by half a planet then. Now I suppose if I start to terribly miss them I can come hang out and spend some time with them. But it's still going to be very hard on me, personally, because I won't have them around me and sleeping with me every night...and they really are very helpful for my stress levels, in that having their company tends to keep me calmer. :(

So now we are in the present again. Kitties are getting used to their new environment. It will take about 2 months of slowly introducing them to Hoshi, our 3rd cat. It's a long story so I will summarize. We do actually have 3 cats. When we went to NZ no one was willing to watch all 3 together for us. But my mother was willing to watch the 2 that were kind of mine and Hubby's parents were willing to watch the one that was kind of Hubby's. This worked great because Hubby's cat, Hoshi, seemed to do much better on her own. Well now, I think because she's been spoiled rotten by herself, she's become a giant bitch to everyone except my in-laws. It's been 3yrs since Sachi and Sonic have seen Hoshi, and now we much re-introduce them since they all have to live under the same roof again. Hopefully Sonic and Sashi, who are very outgoing, will help Hoshi come back out of her shell. :)

Re-introducing cats is no easy task...ever. Especially when one is reclusive and territorial, another is very dominant, and the 3rd is stand-offish. So that's been added to my stress levels, on top of just being separated from them. School is added to that pile because I desperately want to get A's so I can get into a really good doctrine program....and be super awesome #1 student :)  But because of my ADHD and learning disability tied to it, it's hard. Luckily, I was given a fresh breath yesterday when my old neurologist faxed me the paperwork I would need to request extra time on tests. Hopefully that will save me.

Work also does not have enough hours for me yet, so that's more stress. However, all that I mentioned does not compare to the amount of stress I received yesterday. It wasn't the move. Like I said, we were done by lunch time. It was after I saw BIL's apartment.


..........


Words...pictures...thoughts....anything......does not even come close to comparing to this level of messiness. It's not messy....there is a big difference between messy and unclean. I know there probably is a good reason for it...but it still doesn't mean I don't have little freak-outs when presented with it.

I was already stressed from the previously mentioned things, it took everything I had to not mentally break down every time I had to walk into this apartment to unload a box, or whatever. After it was all done though I did finally crack, in the car with Hubby on our way to the in-law's house. It was simply way more stress than I think any body should ever handle. Hubby was very kind and told me that it's ok and that these are the kinds of things I have him for. We are a team and we will work through this together. He reminded me that this is probably the worse it can get and that it can only get cleaner and better from here. :) He also promised to bleach walls if he had to, and that stopped my crying, lol! It truly is that bad. I will say one thing below, if you do not want to know about the level I am talking about here then do not highlight anything. J & K, this is where I told you to listen to me and not read it because you really do not want to know, and I know BIL doesn't want you to know as well. For everyone else just highlight the text in my post from here to the next paragraph, and the words that are currently in white will come up for you.

One sentence will say it all: Handfuls of dead fruit flies....inside the freezer. This is as far as I have seen, but that is the level of uncleanliness we are dealing with here. Do not ask me how they got in there, because I don't know and don't want to know...I just want them, and everything else that could devour my soul in that apt, out and far, far away...

Today, after class and work, Hubby and I will go over and begin the process of cleaning. It will likely take at least all weekend to clean it. Meanwhile, we are sleeping in my in-law's attic with the kitties. So I'm not as stressed about just suddenly being separated from the cats because I am able to see and sleep with them every night, while I handle this monster. I think I've gotten over the initial shock and am now numb to most of it. While that's probably not the healthy reaction to have, it's what will get me through this, so I will gladly accept it. We plan on tackling the bathroom first, because I mentioned how we might want to have somewhere to use the restroom while we're cleaning....and even though Hubby can stand I can't. I know was some of you are thinking. "Just squat" right? Oh no. Squatting will not save me here, as I'm positive that toilet will bite my ass off.

Despite the shear amount of cleaning I have ahead of me, I did get some cool news today. As of 2min ago I am now an official member of my college's newspaper staff, as the Managing Editor!  :) While Hubby's position (Chief Desginer) is paid, mine is unfortunately unpaid...but it's a really nice thing to have on my resume, so I'll take it.

Of course though, the boss said "Congratulations and welcome to the newspaper staff....I'll need your first story by Monday!" Lol. I knew it was coming, but still...it will make things interesting.

Like I said, I still have lots to do so this is all I'll be able to post for today and this weekend. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to my normal schedule on Monday. I'm sorry there are no doodles this time. I want to have them, but I'm busy as shit. So I will update with them later :)

Too busy

So I know I'm really over due for a post but I've been in the middle of trying to pack everything to move out this week, so things are a bit busy and stressful. I'll do what I can to post after the tornado of events has died down at the end of this week.

I'm convinced school is hazardous to my health

So my sickness is progressively getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to lessen it's severity, but it seems like I just have to ride it out. I feel so blah, lol.

I've decided to blame school for my illness, instead of Hubby. It doesn't make sense at first, but I have a very convincing argument. See, back in my undergrad college years I got sick and had a lot of accidents. Don't ask me why cause I don't know. I went to the ER and Urgent Care Center probably more times in those 4yrs than a French man went to the whore house...(no offense to any French people, it's just a figure of speech)

To give you an idea, my sophomore year, I rang in the new year (on MLK Day actually) by sledding at top speed and flying off of the sled. I was actually trying to prevent myself from ramming into the tree that was in front of me but instead of turning, when I put my foot out, the ground yanked me off and I went rolling down the hill like a rag doll. I had my first ever ambulance ride that afternoon and many X-Rays for concussions and possible head/brain damage.

Throughout that year I got sick and had to go to the Urgent Care Center, for various illnesses that just wouldn't go away on their own or with any of my attempts. Now, when a normal person get's sick it's usually no big deal if it's a cold or flu. Oh no, not me. Anything that was normal for someone else just seemed to be amplified in me. I got an upper respiratory infection that spring and had required bed-rest for about 2-3 days before actually being allowed to move around. About halfway through the year I got a bacterial stomach infection. I hope none of you ever experience one of those. I think I would have preferred something like ramming into a tree on a sled at top speed. It was incredibly painful and I spent a night in the hospital on an IV, with lots of pain killers that were awesome.

I got the flu about 2 more times after that, that ended up progressing farther rather than getting better, and strep.  Then finally I rang out the new year by slicing off part of my thumb with an exacto knife. No, I wasn't doing anything stupid. I was simply finishing my wood veneer project when my blade hit a nick in the ruler and jumped over and across it. No amount of words can describe what went through my head for the first 3 seconds, except the one word that exited my mouth. I'm amazed my brain kicked in then to make me rush to the shop techs. Several students slowly stopped what they were doing and just stared in shock as my blood pooled up in my hand and on the floor. Eventually we put my hand in a plastic bag and went to the ER. Let me tell you that you've never seen a hospital admit you so fast than when you walk in with a bloodied plastic bag over your hand....well, aside from going in and telling them you're having chest pains....which happened the next year actually, lol.

That type of year was nothing special for me, and my friends got used to getting a call to come pick me up from the hospital. My poor mother also learned to be terrified every time she answered a call from my phone and it was Hubby on the other line (who was Friend, soon to be Boyfriend, at that time). I think she still gets a little twitch in the back of her mind if Hubby ever answers my phone when she calls. :P

As you can see, college was interesting. But when I graduated I lost my health insurance, cause I was no longer a dependent. I originally freaked out because it was the insurance that probably kept my family from going into insane debt. But surprisingly I didn't get sick that following year.....or the year after that, or the one after that. I was sickness and accident free for 3 whole years. This year marked year three, and I've started going back to school again....only to find that the FIRST WEEK that I start classes I get sick. Go figure.

So, while my mother tells me it's really stress, I'm thoroughly convinced that it's really school and that I should just stay the hell away from it.

A bit long, but it gets good

So yesterday wasn't really anything special. Since there was no class I slept in, then worked with Hubby to clean and pack (we're moving in about a week or so), and went to work. The real highlight was that apparently the ASM's (assistant store manager) boss told him to give me this job in back that involved shrink wrapping everything and organizing it....something that they apparently "would never get done" and therefore should just give to me, the new girl.

First off, I have to say I was in a mini Heaven. I have a version of OCD called OCPD. When I have the time I'll explain it later as it's one of the "four" I mentioned in my first post. You're welcome to read about it here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_personality_disorder). All you really need to know is that it involves organization to perfection and causes the person to become unglued if something isn't right. Hubby is very patient with me and always works with me on it, especially when I have little "freak outs" if something is changed/moved. I've gotten much better over the years, to where it's just my things I care about and I don't care so much about shared things or other people's things/business. But this doesn't mean I don't find pure bliss in organizing it anyways, if asked.

So when my boss said "shrink wrap these games and alphabetize them on the shelf here" I think I could have pee'd myself from the shear happiness inside. I ended up getting a great system going and had everything, the whole wall, done in a matter of 3hrs. My boss came in about half-way through and seemed shocked. "Whoa! You're really fast!" I actually thought I was going average speed, and I couldn't really figure out what was so hard about this job that they couldn't get it done. When I was just finishing up I overheard him on the phone with another employee. "Yeah man, she's fast. She got the whole wall done already. We might have to fire you and hire her on full-time!" He was just joking with this person, but still it felt really, really, really good to hear the assistant store manager brag about my productivity to another employee...and it's only been my second day on the job. :D

Other than that though, my day was boring. I went to bed with a minor sore throat and woke up with one a little more so. I think I've got what Hubby had a few days ago. I'm attempting everything in my power to keep from getting it. Every time he gets sick I get it even worse, and I can't afford sickness right now.

Tomorrow should be more interesting, as I meet with my Psych group to discuss our presentation. This was all decided last Wednesday, in class. Kind of up in in air right now as to whether or not I have slackers or actual workers. I hate it when you're in a group project and someone doesn't pull their weight. Then at the end you decide not to put their name on the project, cause the teacher said you didn't have to, but you have to still explain to that person why you aren't...or put their name on it and risk a lower grade; or even worse, getting a good grade and they benefit from your hard work. It's just a big f'ing mess.

But, I didn't post last week that my brain did redeem itself on the second day of Psych (last Wed) and really helped put me back on the track of my "#1 super awesome smart student" goal. All that studying that fried my brain really paid off, as I had the whole chapter read and perfect little notes for it as well. So when my professor reviewed the chapter in class I was able to contribute, ask questions, and jot down basic notes of things she mentioned that I missed. It was definitely nice, and I can't believe I never did this before. The real icing on the cake though came at the end. Apparently the student in front of me had been looking back and noticing my note taking and attentiveness to everything the professor was reviewing. When class finished she asked me if I could explain Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to her (look it up by the way, it's awesome).

This experience has never happened to me, before. I felt more joy from it than when I was organizing the back room at my job.....which is difficult to put into words so I drew a picture, which still doesn't really give the feeling much justice, but it's better than nothing. :)

As you can see she actually took notes as I explained it to her! *giddy* This told me that my explanation was better than the professor's as she seemed to understand more as she wrote down the stuff I told her. She even asked to look at my personal notes, from what I wrote down while reading the chapter earlier. I think I'm going to come to class with a copy of my notes, from now on. Then I can be all like, "well I have a copy of my notes if you would like to have them (because I'm so awesome like that)" I would think that awesome part, obviously.

Afterward she thanked me and I of course was very modest and said it was no big deal, because my momma and daddy taught me that it was rude to brag about yourself in public like that. :) But I definitely walked away thinking "Oh yeah, I know exactly who she's sitting next to come next class time!" XD

Plan on posting tomorrow...

It's not that today was a holiday and I had no school, thus nothing to report, it's just that I worked and I'm tired. Lol. I will post what I planned on posting today, tomorrow. :)

I hate being lost

So today was one of "those" days. You know the kind. From the moment you wake you know it just is, even though you may not know why.

It started with getting ready for Statistics class. My husband...who we're just gonna call Hubby now because I'm too lazy to keep typing out "my husband", was in an irritable mood. For some reason he didn't want to hear me tell him that food is important and needs to be eaten throughout your day. See, he has low blood sugar, and when he doesn't eat he becomes Mr Crabby McCrab. At least, that's what I call him when he is....probably doesn't help. :P  Anyways, I was trying to determine what his plans were for lunch, because I knew he'd be working all day.

Now, any normal person would either remember to eat or simply do so when they are hungry. Oh no, not Hubby. Even if he gets hungry, if he's busy he keeps working and assumes he'll eat later...which doesn't happen for many hours. In the meantime he gets crabbier at the world and takes it out on me. So I've realized that to combat this I need to constantly be making sure he's either ate or plans to eat, and when. Unfortunately, if he's already in a bad mood he doesn't like me pestering him about if he'll eat.

...I wish I could be one of those wives who pesters her husband about picking up their dirty socks...or something normal like that. But no, I have to pester mine about if he'll actually remember to eat, at all, during the day.

Class wasn't really all that bad, but my bad mood probably made it much worse than it really was. I'm pretty sure my teacher is hyper-active. I know he's ADD but I can swear at times he gets these hyperactive tendencies.

When I left class I said my goodbyes to Noel, who was staying for work. I began my drive home to relax and hopefully make a blog post. It seemed however that someone decided that it would be a brilliant idea to start construction on the only on-ramp  I knew about. I kept my cool though. I figured I could just take the other highway that went west.

This was the only smart choice I made today.

Basically it took me to where I thought I could go. I got off the highway and turned left. I didn't really know why I turned left, my gut seemed to tell me I should. And since my mind isn't very good with directions I trusted my gut. It was right, and I felt slightly better. I felt even more better when the store I went into was having a cookout, to celebrate their grand opening. I ended up getting a burger and hotdog, which fixed my insane hunger. I know it's a sneaky tactic to get customers, but hey, I don't see Best Buy feeding my poor student butt. :P

I left and got home feeling alright. I had trouble with my computer and getting the scanner to work though. So when I left to get Hubby I felt a bit crappy again. This probably was my downfall, as bad moods make for bad decisions.

I was almost to my exit, listening and singing to a great song on the radio to lift my mood. The traffic was good and I had no troubles taking my exit even....wait was I supposed to turn there? It's ok, no biggie, I'll go straight. Oh wait, that takes me back on the highway....  Ok, ok no problem I'll just get off on the next exit and double back. Just takes a little longer, that's all. Ok, I think this is the right way...yes I think it is, there's a highway ahead. See, no big...wait, I don't recognize that exit...or that one. O..k... I'll just get off on this exit here. Wait a min...isn't this the north side??

I have to interject and mention that pretty much everyone has told me to stay away from the north side of the city. Hubby wouldn't even go to a pet store on that side of town, with me. Everyone has said you'd never want to live there, and anyone who has usually said that muggings, or car accidents, or gunshots were a regular thing. And now I was lost here. Did I mention I'm geographically challenged. This is why I have a GPS with me, named Sutoo btw, because I can't do shit without it.

Of course I didn't have it with me and a began to panic. Ok ok, stay relatively calm. Just don't...stop. Keep driving so you're a moving target and no attackers can get to you. Grab the wasp spray...good. Keep it nearby in case someone does attack. Ok...call Hubby, yes. Oh, Hubby is unable to get to a computer and keeps reassuring me that everything is ok, even though he's told me many times he'd never take me here. Ok ok...keep driving. Oh crap, no no no no don't start crying, someone will see you and take advantage of it.

I use to be a terrible nail biter for 23yrs. It was in times like this that I would bite them all down. Since I don't do that anymore I tend to release my stress in other ways. Like crying. Which I did for a few minutes before I composed myself and called my father-in-law. He was able to tell me to go "south" which I figured I was.

I wasn't. I was going the opposite of south. I went far, far, far north. I finally called my father-in-law again. We determined where I was for real this time and I was back again on the right track.

So this was my day. Woke up in a crappy mood, got almost lost on the way back from school, didn't find the item I wanted but got burgers, was unable to install anything on my computer, and then took 2hrs to get back downtown...a trip that takes 10min.

All in all, I guess it was an interesting day. :)

Fried brain = inability to do anything

I was planning on posting aagin adfter class, but I ha to dfninish studying and right now my brainn is so fried from studying 2 full days in a row that I'm going tot platy and kill some things in world of warcraft for a few hours, wich is a totally brainless activity and doens't requirre things like spelling....something I don't giva shit about correcting ight now. Be back to pst after the break.


AFTER BREAK UPDATE:

To be honest I actually had no idea my brain was so out of it. In fact, being unable to type or comprehend pretty much everything has never happened to me before, mainly because I've never made myself study that hard and intensely before. Again, being a procrastinator meant I was a crammer for pretty much all my school work. I do work very well under stress, but go for too long that way and my body's needs catch up with me. So now that my new goal of being super #1 student involve all this studying and new types of study habits I've never attempted, my brain was pretty much mind fucked.
I actually felt nauseous after I finally finished the chapter, but I believed that my ability to spell and type well would override all this. I forget the brain controls the fingers apparently. I did try. I swear I did. I managed to correct the errors I originally made in the title, but when I still could not convey to the fingers what I wanted them to press and in what order I pretty much gave up. Hopefully my body will get used to this new lifestyle soon.

Oh, I did attempt drawing something while playing my game....but my brain started to hurt again. So I apologize for the below sketch. I'm unsure if my right arm there is a syringe or a needle to fix my clearly over-sized pants....

The top sketch on that paper is actually one of my cats, Sachi, who seems to have this odd habit of sitting on the backs of any chair while someone either is in them or not. For future reference I have 2 cats. Sachi is my tiny, fluffy female. She a pro at looking painfully cute for her own devious purposes. Sonic is my "large", bumpy (the act of bumping onto everything in hopes for love and attention) boy. He's pretty much a pro at being really, really fucking loud until you can't take it anymore and give in to whatever the fuck he's begging for....food, attention, outdoors, attention, having the closed doors in the house open, attention, etc.

Speaking of cats....  I've also found that I am a kinesthetic/visual learner. So I learn really well with hands-on, seeing things like pictures, and doing something while I study. Since I don't want to walk around the house while reading, mainly because I'm sure my husband would walk in and give me strange looks on top of the ones I already get, I decided having a cat in my lap was a better choice. That way I could be actively petting it (sort of moving) while reading and taking notes on the material.

Now, I've allowed my cats into the office before, when doing something important, and every single time I fall for their cute fuzzy faces just long enough for them to take over the work area. I know my cats don't really want to be in my lap. Being in the lap translates to "Oh awesome, thanks for putting me closer to the desktop where you already have these great sheets of paper and books laid out for me to sprawl on." When my cat comes into the bedroom at night it's not to cuddle with me it's, "Sweet, you're body has provided just the springboard I need to access the windowsill." Rushing to greet me when I enter the house is not a display of missed affection it's, "Quickly! Before they shut the door and we can't dash out into the yard and eat grass like cows until we throw up!"

There are many more things that I've begun to learn mean something completely different with them. Coming in to the office to look cute on the floor is really a diversion to wait until I move and they can take the warmed chair. I've sketched them below because at the time I couldn't do anything else, and I was too much of a pansy to move them since they both looked so damn happy. Looking happy and cute I think is another sneaky way to fool you into feeling guilty if you plan on moving them. -_-

This post is getting long so I'll save my story from class today for a later date. I'm a bit worn out and have Statistics homework tomorrow, so an easy, brainless post on my cats and how cute and annoying they can be at the same time sounds pretty good. :)

PS.
Lol. I just went back to spell-check my post and automatically went to the top of the page and almost fixed all the errors from my earlier fail post. I stopped after thinking "Wait a minute, I typed this shit? I'm not that bad at spelling errors, what was I thinking??"