Taking control

Sorry for the lateness. Most of it is actually school related. I unfortunately didn't do very well on my first 2 tests for each of my classes and pretty much began spending all of my free time catching up and studying harder for the next 2. I did great on one and ok on the second, but improvement is improvement so hopefully I keep getting better. Luckily I got an extra 4 days of studying on one, due to the wonderful flu season.

I also had a number of personal things come up that needed to be addressed. While I can't fully go into the details about those things (to be respectful of the others involved) I can at least give a nice image that I think explains quite a bit on how I at least handled my end.

My therapist is really glad that I basically grabbed each situation by the horns and tackled any problems that I could on my own, figured out my plan for what to do, and prepared myself for what I needed...rather that freak out, let anxiety and/or depression take control, or become the below image:

As cute as it is, I think I much prefer the former of the two pictures.

I'm actually getting pretty good now at either knowing what situations I should and shouldn't care about, what should upset me and what I should let roll off my back, and most importantly recognizing the signs of my dysthymic disorder. Basically, I know when it's right to be depressed (someone dies) but it was harder for me to step back and realize that many situations I was in before didn't warrant that reaction (stressors in life like school, job, finances, or relationships). I not only can recognize the signs of when I'm starting to dip back into those "old habits" but I can also step back and realize why I don't need to feel that way, what I can do to change my situation so it either gets better or doesn't happen again, and do things to help reset my brain's chemistry and mood (like running and other exercise). I'm really proud of myself, and while I'd love to take all the credit I have to say 90% was definitely the help of my therapist.

Unfortunately, since I spent most of my time taking care of those situations, and my school work, I didn't leave much planning for blog posts. However, I did keep up some sketching here and there so that when I was able to post again I'd have something. Only thing is, they turned out to be mostly sketches with Husky and I. But hey! Sketches are sketches so here they all are!


My cookie recipe that I've been trying to perfect for months now has finally been completed. As with all my baked goods I tested them on my 3 male roommates and Husky. The result? My roommates have asked me to either not bake as much or give away the goodies before they eat them and then feel bad for it (the calorie count is not pretty), and Husky had this reaction when I last asked him about it:

He got sick while he was visiting me 2 weeks ago so I made sure to take good care of him, and even visited him during the following week to help out some. Was super happy that he prefered tomato soup with water and grilled cheese with Velveeta slices. Those are big point winners with me.

Speaking of point winners...you know you have a good girlfriend when she finds the reason below as a good reason to love you for...

Aaaand at the same time you've got a good boyfriend when he does things like this:

The last one is a joke between the two of us. We're so damn alike that we're becoming increasingly convinced he was cloned from me (since I'm older) and that somewhere in the cloning process something was changed, which explains why he came out as a male with just a few differences in likes/dislikes, life path choices, etc. Somehow we got on the topic of biggest pet peeves and apparently he hates Africa about as much as I hate stupid people.

And with that I'm off to bed. I'll do my best to get back on track next week with a more appropriate post, though this one turned out kind of fun too.

The best incentive ever

I found out quite a number of my friends read my blog. This of course has made me super happy that my sketches are providing entertainment for them.

And no, my ego knows no bounds.

This past week has been interesting. Ever since climbing that first weekend, with Husky, my left leg has been bothering me. It's gotten worse and now my coach is concerned it could be a tendon issue or a stress fracture. I go in tomorrow morning to have it checked out. Of course it doesn't stop there though. My tics in my right arm have gotten way worse over the past couple of days and really stressed out my shoulder muscles. I have a huge knot in my shoulder as a result and the whole area is fairly painful. I had to break out the sling I keep around, just to keep my arm in place. Hoping everything feels better for the big rugby game against our biggest rival, this weekend....

This past weekend was fun, since I of course spent time with Husky. We went on a picnic, checked out more cheese shops, watched my team play against Illinois (after which he became sufficiently more worried for my safety in such a rough sport), attended an awesome brewery tour at Lakefront Brewery, and even check out a corn maze outside of town. It's tons of fun to get lost for 2hrs with someone who also agrees that maps are silly and you should figure it out without one. There were also fun little games at the site, like archery and corn shucking (which is basically firing a hunk of corn from a giant potato-type gun). We obviously decided to try those out but with an added twist...

Note to self: DO NOT EVER make bets against an engineer who is very capable of understanding the mechanics of things like firing arrows or firing giant potato guns and then being really, really good at them as a result. Needless to say I have 2 rounds of drinks that I now owe, though I did beat him in archery on the 3rd round.

The other fun thing we did was attend one of the best haunted houses in the Midwest, with some of my friends. Now, I do like these things...the only problem is I spook really easily...and apparently have a horror movie quality scream...and usually cut the circulation of whoever's arm is in grabbing range.

Thank god my boyfriend is a rock climber. I was pretty much able to grip his hand and arm for the full hour without him being bothered by it at all. Of course I had lots of fun, but there was still much screaming....

So that was my week! I know this post is a bit shorter than my usual but I've been studying much more and don't want to get too sidetracked. Why, you may ask? Well I found out the minimum requirements for my top grad school of choice and they are...intimidating, to say the least.

Serves me right for aiming for a school that's top 10 in the nation for practically every grad program they offer. The nice thing about it is that it's actually the main college in Husky's city, and seeing as my super awesome boyfriend lives there I have even more reason to want to get into it. He's of course already mentioned how much he'd enjoy that as well, over me going to one overseas. I'll of course choose the one that's the best for me, and he knows that's the right decision too, but after talking with a friend who has studied in the Netherlands I might not look too hard over there anymore. They're apparently not as good and not very personable either. Regardless though, it's honestly looking like the one near Husky really would be one of the best choices. Their psych program is one of the best of the best. Still...those scores require a lot of dedication to achieve.
Luckily, Husky offered just the right incentive for me to really want to focus....not that being in one of the best schools in the US or being closer to him wasn't enough already (which by the way it TOTALLY is)...buuuut......

So, not surprisingly, Husky has become the animal nickname of choice that I picked for him (he approves) and Steiff is one of my favorite plush companies in the world because they are so realistic. However, they're expensive so I unfortunately don't own one of my own. Hopefully that will change soon. I have 3 months of studying, which include the whole month of winter break where I won't have any schoolwork to get in the way. I'll take the test in January before the spring semester starts. Needless to say, I'm even more determined now. The promise of a husky from my Husky is just too great to pass up.

Heart 1 Brain 0

Husky asked me out this weekend.

I said yes.

 

Obviously, more was said than that, but that was pretty much the most important part. Lol.

I should back up and explain what I had to mentally go through, the week before, because I had this feeling he would ask since we'd been getting along so well....though my ego would like to think it was my super awesome, cute outfit choice...

After I got back from Husky's city, last week, I attended class as usual, practiced rugby, worked in the lab, did homework, and did my cleaning job. It was a usual week. Meanwhile my brain and my heart were in constant disagreement about what to do with my current situation.

I was still feeling scared about the prospect of a relationship and I wasn't sure if that was a normal feeling to have, after everything I've been through, or if it was something trying to tell me I still wasn't ready yet. I enlisted the help of Stan and he told me he didn't think the world was so black and white, and that if I liked him I should go for it. I still wasn't fully sure though. My heart knew he was good, and already superior to my last few relationships, but my brain could only remember all the shit I went through with those last few relationships. I'm still healing from some of it. :/ Some men can be complete jerks and it was a hard lesson for me to learn.
I'm not saying Husky is utterly amazing with no faults whatsoever. But based on my more recent past relationships he already matches up with me far better than any of them ever did. This gave Heart the firepower it needed against Brain, to get it to stop looking at the situation with blinders on.

So since Heart won this round I went with its choice. Am I still super nervous? Hell yes. But Stan also pointed out that what happened before shouldn't have any influence on someone new. I think it's just the idea of relationships that scare me because they unfortunately only remind me of terrible feelings of hurt now. I'm happier now and certainly more confident in myself and what I can do by myself, but I imagine a good relationship with someone who knows how to actually treat me properly will show Brain that not all guys are jerks who don't care how much they can hurt me. I tried to relax about the matter by listening to lots of music.

I was eventually coming to terms with all of this the day before heading back to see Husky. At the last minute I found out I wasn't able to travel with my team to Indiana for the away game. I haven't received transcripts from my old college and high school yet to prove I wasn't on a previous rugby team, so until they arrive I can't play. As a result playable players got priority on car seats. I was disappointed but it meant I could leave a day early a day early and spend more time with Husky. Turned out to be a good thing. Husky asked me to date him Friday night and here's how the rest of my weekend went...

We went to a geek themed burlesque show, where pretty girls in Star Trek, Dr. Who, and other geeky awesomeness stripped and danced a la burlesque style.

We went for a 4mi run the next morning.

And then rested for an hour before heading out again...

He then showed me around the area and all the cool businesses near him, where there were tons of awesome niche shops for me to get artsy ideas.

We then came home and enjoyed the spoils of our cheese shopping while watching anime.

In the evening he took me to see Batman, which is always a great way to gain points.

Sunday was spent climbing all day again. 

Poor guy isn't used to Wisconsin cold weather yet. So I helped out a bit.

After we returned that evening we had dinner, more cheese and of course more cartoons.

As you can see, I think Heart made a good call this time.

Climbing with hornets does not = smart

So I just got back today from my climbing trip with the date I had last weekend and his climbing club. And hey, look at that! New post within a week. Go me.
In case no one read the last post this guy is someone I met and went out with last weekend. For the sake of having something to call him by, I'll call him Husky since he reminds me of one. I also don't have his permission to use his name anyways. :P We hit it off pretty well and found out we share a lot in common, including a love for climbing. So he invited me on a climbing trip this past weekend. It was incredibly, unbelievably amazing.
I pretty much spent my entire week waiting for Friday. There were a few good points here and there though, so it's not like the whole week was a drag.

I drove out to his city Friday evening. Husky showed me around a bit, though most of the places were closed by then. It's weird that none of the buildings in the city are allowed to be higher than the Capitol, but the shops along the State Street area were really cute. We went to a Japanese place for dinner, so my tummy was happy and ready for the next day.

Saturday morning we all headed out to a place called Devil's Lake. It was really pretty for being only 45min out of the city. And from then until 4pm we climbed. It was awesome. I used to climb a lot in Europe but since moving back to the US I just haven't had much opportunity. I love being so far away from everything; either on the water, on a cliff, or wherever. I feel like I can just forget everything about civilization and imagine this whole new world around me.  ....and wish I could fly...

It's a real rush when you're so high up and you're still climbing even higher. At some point your brain goes through moments where it panics and wonders what it is the body is doing. I would get this right before jumping in a bungee jump too. The adrenaline rush at that moment is exhilarating and worth every bit.

Yeah, the body usually ignores it...

Except, of course, until you're climbing with a bunch of fucking hornets. I think I mentioned before that I also have a phobia of bees, hornets, wasps, etc. I can't exactly explain it to others who haven't experienced a phobia first-hand, but it's pretty bad. I know it's illogical but I just can't seem to remember that in the moment of panic. I was belaying for Husky when he came down and informed me that, that particular climb might not be optimal.

I paniced the whole way up. And the hornets didn't exactly let up either. But at that point I realized if I went back down I'd have to go back through the hornets I'd already passed and I was too scared to do that at that time too. All I could hear was my uncontrolled breathing and thoughts screaming at me to run away. I started clinging to the rock, not sure whether to go up or call for Husky to let me down. I know it was probably only 10 seconds but it did feel longer when I suddenly heard him call up to me.

He talked me through most of the rest of the climb, either through encouragement, telling me where to go to avoid the hornets, or when to wait for one to pass. As soon as I could touch the top I called out to him and he had me back down faster than I think I could have just outright dropped. Lol. Luckily he had on his gloves. 

Honestly, it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not sure I could do it again but I'm kind of proud of myself too...though at the same time I feel like it was incredibly insane...

That evening we all gathered around the fire for food stuffs, stories, jokes, smore makings, and general camping fun. After a while he asked me if I'd like to go see some stars. The prior week we were both discussing how we grew up in the country and how the stars were the one thing I missed the most, so of course I was up for seeing some. We gathered a few others and headed down the trail. Honestly, I've seen the Milky Way tons of times. I grew up seeing it in my back yard every night, and yet, every time I see it again my breath is taken away as though it were the first time. I don't even remember what I was thinking as my mind went completely blank when we stepped into the clearing. It was truly a sight.

My picture will never even come within 1-tenth of giving the real thing justice. My face pretty much stayed that way until we left back for camp.

The next day we all got up for breakfast and discussed where we could climb. I scored some leftover beer brats from dinner and roasted them over the fire for an awesome breakfast sausage to go with my eggs. Eventually I was roasting some for others too. I don't blame them. Fire makes everything taste better.

Unfortunately, I can't take all the credit for that idea. Husky was the first one to do it the previous night for dinner. They were still delicious though.

Climbing that day was great too. I managed to do a particularly hard climb for my level, though there were moments where I doubted myself and wondered if I should give up. Glad I didn't. The feeling of hitting the top felt really great.

I even managed to get a teeny bit lost with 2 others, while trying to find the trail where everyone else went. We ended up doing some bouldering down and around the mountain, trying to get back up. It was a little nervous at first but we all spotted each other and figured we'd eventually run into something. Turns out our absence was noticed and Husky came looking, so even if we hadn't found the path he would have probably found us. Eventually we made our way to the trail and back up to the others, only to repel down to the site and realize that our adventure literally lead us right under where everyone actually was.

I didn't come out completely unscathed, from the weekend, however. Not sure if it's the muscles or tendons in my arms but they tightened and hurt after the 1st of my 3 climbs. After rest they would stop, only to pick back up after another climb. I called it after climb 3 but it was ok, as I was pretty pleased with myself by that point. They're still sore today, as are my left leg muscles which I over-worked on the hike back down. It was all totally worth it though. I really enjoyed every minute of it and am really happy I had the chance to go. Now I'm just wondering how I'll adjust back to normal life after such a fun adventure.